“28th December 2010: my husband of three months, after a 9-year relationship had gone out for some drinks with his friends for Christmas. No sorry, I tell a lie. Not just for Christmas, he was always out drinking with his friends.” – Adele McCormack, North House Coaching, gives us a very personal account of how she moved on from a dysfunctional relationship. And is now helping others through the tough times that can come with divorce.
At university, where we met, I was the friend he was always out drinking with. But as we’d got older and he started trying to turn me into his mother by going to get my nails done and have his dinner on the table when he came home from work. I was no longer required.
So, he’s out drinking again and I was just sitting there passing the time. Well to tell you the truth, I never just could sit there. I had developed an anxiety of cleaning and tidying in case he got cross and made digs about the state of the house. He always knew how to belittle me and make me feel like I was not good enough. Yet in my professional life, I was a strong independent woman with a good job. A persona that said I would not be walked all over. At home, though, despite verbally fighting back, he had broken me. I had given up everything that represented who I was as a person. Even doing a charity trek in Nepal after a family trauma, he belittled.
So,there I was, mulling around at home and he was out drinking and something happened. Call it intuition, spirit guide, whatever you want. I was compelled to check his emails. Now I think he had completely underestimated the power of my memory. He still had the same password that he told me many moons ago and yes, I could still remember it.
And there it was my ticket out. A naked picture sent to him from his mistress. Although at the time I did not really realise it was a gift. I later learned that this was my freedom from this hell that I had been living.
What I realised during the following months was that a) this relationship had been toxic to me in ways I wasn’t even aware of b) I had bought into the concept that love is hard work. And then systematically tried to save this toxic relationship repeatedly during its lifetime. Mainly resulting in me apologising for challenging his behaviour, and c) there was a much better life out there for me in the future. So, I set out about creating it.
I found ‘me’ again. As a child, I had been a happy, ambitious, optimistic, gentle person who was always looking for new experiences. During the marriage, I had become hardened and angry, and sacrificed all my goals and aspirations.
I was constantly frustrated with life and could never sleep. This was mainly because I was living a life that was incongruent to my values which was making me deeply unhappy. Now I have regained my life. I have flown a plane, quit smoking, started to eat more healthily, and sorted my finances. The better I felt about money and life, the better my life got. I met a gorgeous new man, got a massive promotion, and trained as a coach. I even got invited to deliver a talk to the Italian equivalent of the Department of Health. I have never felt better.
A new home, several more holidays and a beautiful two year old daughter brings me to today. I have now set up my own business supporting people who are going through divorce or the ending of a relationship. I offer them one to one coaching and have just launched the thing I am most excited about – a Divorce Retreat. It was exactly what I was looking for when my marriage ended but I couldn’t find it anywhere. The aim of my business is to help people who are going through divorce or separation to do so with their heads held high and move on as healthily and as quickly as possible.
What I always say to my clients is that there is hope. No matter how much adversity in the situation, if you a committed to transforming your circumstances then anything is possible.
If you want to know more about the divorce coaching or retreat that Adele offers, visit northhousecoaching.com